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Reworking The Same – An Excerpt

February 16, 2010

I’ve been mulling over The Same lately and am unhappy with it as it stands. After the giant “Fuck You” that has been 6x6x6, I needed a big change, so I’m drastically revising The Same. I feel like my writing in general has not been thought out enough since a light heart, its black thoughts; I have realized too just how huge the gulf is between what I read in The Same and what others can get out of it, so I’m rewriting the whole thing as one long poem in a new form, removing the blank verse for the most part.

The first section I’ve completely reworked was the oldest section I havent’ cut out, “The Island.” Here’s the orginal poem:

The Island

Sun Apr 19 18:31:23 2009

the island · like a ball · the little spot ·

in books · the slaves · the cynicism of

transport · a species of the house · the mast ·

the reproductive system · as a ball ·

another species of consumption · with

the transformation of the island and

the water · on the archipelago ·

the feeling of revenge · the embryo ·

in all confusion · more perhaps · in their

effects · a fact · a while · besides a while ·

belonging · everything · in any blows ·

in an oblique direction · as the beach ·

transposed · a hundred million years ago ·

the longitude · accumulated · by

degrees · the six survivors · multiplied ·

because allied in groups · produced · evolved ·

the wet · the breed · the three together · is

the state · a wall in common · there exist

organic beings to await the end ·

the woody and the task · the first · because

the first were all destroyed · the office of

the embryos · transposed · upon a wall ·

in other countries · more ferocious than

the last degree · the wet · the west confused ·


Now here it is reworked. I think it’s an improvement. Any thoughts? :

From the islands rise ball in little spots

(that slaves are only in books), Western cynicism

with international delivery. Process goods and

service for homes, the mast

the reproductive system, tubes consumption.

in confusion . more

in effect . a fact .

a while besides . a while

belonging . everything in

blows . in the oblique

beaches transported .

one hundred million

years back . longitude

accumulation degrees .

the produced .

Wet breeds w/ each other in state, what

walls in common? Organic at the end, the woody

or to task. Start w/ the first the first is destroyed.

The offices of the embryo transposed on walls, off-islands,

more effect than degree. The West confuse.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Eric Elshtain permalink
    February 16, 2010 10:14 pm

    I like the edit a lot but for the first stanza; the re-worked version fills in too many gaps to my ear, makes it read like more didacticism than poeticism.

    Here’s a little playing around, just for kicks…

    From the islands rise balls in dark spots
    –the slaves–another species of cynicism
    books mast consumption from the offices,
    the embryo feeling degrees, tubes
    on the archipelago water the house.

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